From existing, to surviving, aiming for living.

I won’t go into too much detail since I expect anyone who reads this will be familiar with my story. But here’s a quick recap.

Early 2021 I wake up in pain. After a few days this pain grows, eventually becoming unbearable. For several weeks I met with doctors but got nowhere. I couldn’t sleep at night as the pain was so severe. Then finally one of them took me seriously and diagnosed me correctly and didn’t just fob me off. I needed an MRI to confirm but I had a bulging disc in my neck which was literally crushing the nerve that ran all the way down my left arm. The MRI showed that it was very large and that surgery would be required. There was a long waiting list, but now that I’d been prescribed neuropathic painkillers, it was finally tolerable and I could sleep again.

Not long after the painkillers kicked in, my wife and best friend of 14 years admitted that she’d been seeing someone else and that she would rather be with him. The ironic part is that if it wasn’t for my English language help, she never would have gotten him as a client for her business and never would have met him. And the sad part is that I saw it coming, brought it up with her twice that I was concerned about how their relationship was going, only to be told to stop being daft etc. I’m not a controlling person so I never tried to interfere, I just hoped I was wrong. But I wasn’t.

I didn’t take the confirmation of her betrayal well. Mixed with my mental health issues, I really didn’t think that I’d be able to survive it. I contemplated suicide on many occasions but never did anything. The reason being that I couldn’t guarantee success. With no access to a firearm, all options seemed desperately easy to fail. The last thing I wanted was to just make my life worse when all I wanted was the off switch.

But I got help from the health services and moved on from suicidal to existing. I still would have liked an off switch but was no longer actively looking for one. Fast forward a couple of months and I met someone and we were together about 6 months before it became too toxic for me to carry on. That’s a story for another time I think.

Another huge loss though came in November of 2021, when my van, the one with my business logo so nicely taped along it, decided it had had enough of being a vehicle and would like to try it’s hand at being a bonfire instead. A very traumatic night followed, beginning with the neighbours banging on my front door and yelling that my car was on fire 🔥. Some kind of electrical fault apparently. This was exceedingly traumatic for me and really caused my anxiety to skyrocket and to be honest it only came back down again after my toxic relationship ended.

At this point I finally had my operation and went on sick leave for about 4 months, first to recover from the surgery and then for my mental health, just trying to cope with everything that life had, not so much thrown at me, but melted down into a large metal ball, stuffed it into a cannon, and shot it at me.

Maybe that should be the end of my first entry, since it’s gone on a bit. So, end of part one.

2 responses to “From existing, to surviving, aiming for living.”

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